The Plot to Every Romantic Comedy Ever Concieved

So here I am watching my one of my wife’s favorite movies, “The Proposal” when it hits me… All romantic comedies are basically the same movie. Only the characters and the setting gets changed. So without further ado… The plot to every romantic comedy ever concieved:

1 . We start off with a  Beautiful and very successful woman (often Julia Roberts)  who has trouble with relationships due to some personality flaw. Or we’ll have a woman (often Sandra Bullock) who is perfect in every way except that she has a unibrow. The unibrow or the personality quirk is there to make us believe she is invisible, sexually, to all the men in her life. In either case, we have a diamond in the rough.  The woman will usually have some unattainable love interest. A musical montage  depicting the woman’s mundane daily life and how much it sucks will be included. The song will likely be “Iko, Iko” by the Dixie Cups

2. While we are watching this montage we will notice  a male figure (often Hugh Grant) who gradually falls in love with the woman for exactly that personality/physical flaw, or despite that personality/physical flaw. The man will probably start out as the best male friend unless the best male friend is gay. If the best friend is gay, then the man will be a character which pops into the woman’s life multiple times seemingly at random, and may actually be initially seen as the antagonist. Usually some slap- stick is involved.

At this point there will be a change in the status quo which could occur in these four ways.

a. The woman with the unibrow will get her eyebrows plucked and her hair will receive salon treatment. Then the woman, now actually perfect in every way, will  pursue the previously unattainable love interest, rejecting the best friend/random guy. This love interest may notice her since she no longer has a unibrow or he may not.

b. Random guy or best friend will attempt some underhanded plot to win the heart of the woman, or sabotage the wedding of woman and previously unattainable love interest.

c. Woman will use her personality quirk in an underhanded plot to win the heart of the previously unattainable love interest.

d. Both woman and best friend (straight or gay) (usually not random guy) will come up with some underhanded plot to win the heart of the previously unattainable love interest

4. While the status quo is changing, the woman will be, through various life experiences,  forced into close proximity with the best-friend/ random guy and a relationship will develop. There will be some drunken-singing involved. Probably “Benny and the Jets” by Elton John. Random guy or best friend will come to see how just how great the woman actually is and how much fun her quirky personality flaw can be. At some point one of them will see somebody naked, but this is a PG-13 movie so don’t get too worked up.

5. All this scheming and romancing will develop into 3 possible scenarios

a. Woman will continue to only have eyes for the previously unattainable love interest, only to find that the love interest is still apathetic, despite her lack of a unibrow.

b.  Woman’s personality quirk will begin to distance herself from best friend/ random guy.

c. Previously unattainable love interest  now notices how great the woman’s body is (since she no longer has a unibrow),  and in a twist of fate (unless you read this) asks the woman to marry him, to which she says yes.

6. Then, depending on the scenario of #5,  the characters will face two possible epiphanies.

a. All underhanded plots will be revealed.

b. Woman will realize what a fool she’s been because best friend/ random guy loved her even when she had a unibrow. But now, because she has been in blind pursuit of previously unattainable love interest,  she finds best friend/ random guy is now unattainable.

7.  No matter what the outcome of #6 is, everyone will separate and everyone will be sad (Except for the previously unattainable love interest who continues to be apathetic despite the woman’s continual lack of unibrow). A Sad musical montage will ensue.

8. Woman and best friend/ random guy will realize that they have loved each other from the beginning. Then, in some very romantic, but highly unlikely way, they will come back together and get married. Pachelbel’s “Cannon in D” will be played at some point. The previously unattainable love interest will either be royally screwed or we’ll find out that he has secretly had a crush on the gay best friend since the beginning.

9. Ending credits will begin with footage of everyone dancing at the wedding reception to “This Will Be” as performed by Natalie Cole . Useless information about what happened to each of the characters after the events of the movie will be displayed or talked about. If  the movie starred Sandra Bullock then you will get to see various “wild takes” as there will be a considerable number of them.

So here you go, the plot to every romantic comedy ever conceived.


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